It's hard for me to have a sense of humor about things.
Consumer advocate!
You can't handle Miguel Olivantes.
And I really had my heart set on a 14-inch penis.
It was gonna be a surprise for my girlfriend for Valentine's Day.
It's a night of reckoning, bro.
- on the inside, which is always nice.
Right in the dick. Office prank.
Yes, that's so good.
Hello there, and welcome to another night of Funny or Die Presents.
Funny or Die is known for its best-in-the-business comedy.
And there's no better proof of that than what you're about to see tonight.
If some of it comes across a little weird for you or a little too cutting-edge...
...then you need to ask yourself this question:
Am I a racist?
Our research shows that people who didn't enjoy tonight's programming...
...were indeed racists.
So go ahead, watch it.
Unless you're afraid of something.
Tonight on the Funny or Die Network:
A sketch show from Slovin and Allen...
..."Sleeping with Celebrities"...
... from Rob Riggle and Paul Scheer...
... episode three of "Designated Driver"...
... and "Playground Politics."
Yes, that's so good.
I'm telling you, it doesn't work.
Yeah, it's been 16 days.
Look, I just want my money back.
So that's it?
Okay, well, you can go to hell.
Is everything all right, Bob?
Damn corporate America. I should know better.
Well, what'd you do?
Well, I bought this product that they were selling on TV...
...that said it would enlarge my penis by 4 inches.
It had a money-back guarantee and now I can't get my money back.
- Well, it didn't work? - No, it didn't.
- Your penis didn't grow at all? - No, it grew, but only 3 inches.
- They promised me 4. - They didn't give you your money back?
It's corporate America. Nobody's accountable anymore.
- lf I were you, I would be furious. - I am.
Furious about what?
Well, Bob bought this penis-enlargement product.
- A pump? - No, a lotion.
Anyway, it had a money-back guarantee...
...that it'd make his penis grow 4 inches. And it only grew, what?
- Three inches. - Three inches.
- Why not get your money back? - I tried. They won't give it to me.
That's awful! How much did it cost?
Nine dollars.
- I'm so sorry. - That sucks.
Thanks.
Well, at least your penis did grow 3 inches.
Yeah, but now I'm only 13 inches.
And I really had my heart set on a 14-inch penis.
It was a gonna be a surprise for my girlfriend for Valentine's Day.
Hey, sometimes chocolates can make the best gift of all.
Yeah, or a romantic weekend away.
Guys, with all due respect, and I really appreciate your support...
...but I've been going out with this girl for three weeks.
I know what she likes and what she doesn't.
And what she likes is a 14-inch penis.
And what she definitely doesn't like is a 13-inch penis.
I feel so helpless.
A lot of people feel helpless.
They buy products that don't deliver what they promise...
...and then find they have no recourse.
I'm Phillip Linehart.
And I'm running for consumer advocate because I'm tired of seeing people...
...taken advantage of by giant corporations...
...like the man you just watched in our dramatization.
I wanna fight on your behalf...
...to get what you deserve from a corporate culture...
...that answers to nobody.
Please understand, while what you witnessed...
...may just have been a dramatization...
...it was a word-for-word reenactment...
...of events that actually took place.
Filmed at the exact location...
...where they actually transpired and starring...
... as actors, the very people who lived it originally.
I know this because I was there getting dressed to play golf...
... when I overheard the injustice being perpetrated...
... on the man who wished to have his penis grow 4 inches...
...but only had it grow 3.
I was so moved by what I heard that day...
...that I decided to quit my job...
...driving an ice-cream truck, leave my wife...
...learn to speak the English language...
...and dedicate my life to becoming the consumer advocate...
...for the state of New Hampshire.
So to all New Hampshirites, I say:
Consumer advocate!
The time has come to protect consumers in the state of New Hampshire.
Hi, I'm George Crenshaw, and I'm asking you...
...for your vote to be consumer advocate.
My opponent Phil Linehart will tell you that I'm not qualified for this job...
...but I beg to differ.
Having spent the last 19 years performing at parties...
...as New Hampshire's premiere Jack Nicholson impersonator...
...I think I'm uniquely qualified to protect New Hampshire consumers.
I may never have had a job in public service...
...but ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you...
...that every time I perform the line "you can't handle the truth"...
...l'm directing it at the corporations...
...who sell poorly made or dangerous products...
...in the state of New Hampshire.
I swear to God, if I see another kid...
...from Concord or Portsmouth lose a finger in a poorly made blender...
...l'm gonna lose my freaking marbles.
Well, I sure hope I made a good impression on you.
And on election day, I'll hope you vote for me, George Crenshaw.
You can't handle Miguel Olivantes.
Well, this is the tape that the police gave us.
Let's just watch it now.
I guess if you're watching this...
...you probably know I'm dead.
I'm sorry to put you all through this.
But things haven't turned out the way I'd hoped.
Things have just become too difficult to bear...
...and I can't take it anymore.
I've felt so numb for so long.
And I know it might seem like a cowardly choice to you...
...but I truly don't see any other way.
I don't see myself getting back on track.
And it is cowardly because I'm a coward.
I'm a fuckup.
And I don't see myself going anywhere.
Mom, Dad, I don't want you to blame yourselves for this.
I love you so much and you did a great job as parents...
...so it's important to me that you don't blame yourselves.
It's my fault, just like everything else.
You still have each other.
What are you doing?
- What do you mean? - What are you doing?
You... You wanna get something to eat?
- No. - Okay.
Liz, I just...
I don't know what to say. I still love you...
...even after everything you did.
And I want us to be together.
I just... I understand that's not where you're at right now.
And... And...
l... I don't want you to feel guilty about this either.
Because it's...
It's not about you breaking up with me. It's...
I just really don't like myself.
John, to me you're much more than just my roommate...
...you're my best friend.
I know I must be a real downer to live with sometimes...
...especially recently.
It's hard for me to have a sense of humor about things.
l... I wish I could be more like you.
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
What are you doing?
Hey, you wanna get some... Some sushi?
Maybe a little sushi buffet...
I'm doing something here. Can't you see that?
Can't you leave me alone, just for a few minutes?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Can't you see I'm doing something?
I do, I do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
God, I am a horrible person.
I hate myself.
John, I'm sorry I just yelled at you. It's just...
l... I know underneath all your joking around, you...
You do care about me.
Well...
I guess there's not really anything else for me to say.
Except I'm sorry I'm doing this.
I want you to know I love you all very, very much.
Here's...
...Miguel Olivantes!
"Sleeping With Celebrities."
Tonight, Will Forte.
"Sleeping With Celebrities."
I am drunk. Pick my ass up.
Oh, fuck, doughnuts!
No, no, no.
- Don't yell at me! - Chill out, he just shot my doughnut.
- Booty call, motherfucker. - She's married! Her husband!
- Who are you? - No...
Come on, come on!
- You shot Mr. Bear. - Come on!
All right, man, what's it gonna be? Macho Paco Taco or Wet Burger?
Oh, my God, dude, you just threw up everywhere.
- We're going to jail. - Yeah.
Statistically speaking, we're going to fucking jail.
All right? No way around it.
That means anything fucking goes, man. There's no laws that apply to us anymore.
Oh, shit. It's a night of reckoning!
It's a night of reckoning, bro.
All those motherfuckers who fucked us over...
...are gonna get some serious payback tonight, man.
Justice, I'm talking about justice!
- Listen to me. - Just listen to me.
- You listen to me! - Barry, no, no.
- Shut up. - Listen to me for once.
No, I'm not gonna listen to you.
I'm gonna go to jail, and it's all your fault.
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
- You shut up! - Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Just shut up! Just shut up! Shut up!
Okay, man.
Now that's what I'm talking about, Barry.
Where'd that anger just come from? Come on, man.
Office pranks.
- Office pranks? - Office pranks.
What does that mean?
- Glenn! - Fucking Glenn!
He's a fucking piece of shit, son of a bitch.
All right, now who is he?
Office prank. You asshole.
You're drinking my piss, man.
Office prank!
Why'd you do that?
- a suit for your child that's kind of refined...
...and a little bit double-seated on the inside, which is always nice.
Right in the dick. Office prank.
We don't even work in a fucking office!
All right, plug this fucking address in there and let's go fuck his life up.
Well, we're just gonna scare him though, right?
Hell, yeah.
- It's just a prank. - Just a prank, man.
Yeah, it's a prank.
I wanna fucking kill this motherfucker.
- No, no, we can't kill him. - I'll break his leg, is what I'll do.
I'll break his legs first, then I'll break his sternum.
Can you just, for one second just describe what you mean by prank?
- One time I pranked a guy. - Yeah?
I fucking put a live rattlesnake in his mailbox.
The fucking snake bit into his neck, man.
- Yeah, it's just a prank. - Just a prank.
Yeah, it's just a fucking prank.
I'm the fucking devil!
And I'm the friend of the devil!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
Glenn, you motherfucker!
I'm gonna burn this fucking house to the ground!
I office-pranked your TV, Glenn.
Get up, Glenn, you asshole!
Time to party, Glenn! Get up!
Your sugar's gonna go bad, Glenn.
It's gonna go hard.
Come on, we're going downstairs, have a little talk.
- What do you think about that, Glenn? - Maybe I'll eat some of this.
Maybe not, because now it's on the floor.
Fruit on my dick. Dick fruit!
Oh, I guess I forgot to close the fridge.
Get the hell out of here.
I scream, you scream...
...we all scream for ice cream. - Ice cream.
Isn't that right, Glenn?
Oh, that's... That's not Glenn.
- What? - That's not Glenn.
I'm Dr. Steven Daldry.
Dr. Steven Daldry? Where the fuck is Glenn?
- Who's Glenn? - What are you doing in Glenn's house?
- We went to the wrong house. - Yeah, the wrong house!
- Who the fuck are you guys? - All right, just calm down.
- It's just a prank. - Fuck you!
Look, here's a little something for the fucking thing, all right?
Yeah, he was right. That's not Glenn's house.
Oh, yeah.
What the hell's going on? What's all that screaming?
- It's Glenn. - Barry?
- It's Glenn. What should I do? - Follow your instincts.
- Barry, is that you? - Follow your instincts.
"Playground Politics."
Mexico.
- Hey, America, que pasó? - Mexico.
You gotta get your drug dealers to calm down and stop killing each other.
- But keep the coke coming, capisce? - No problemo.
I'll see you in Cancun, second week of April.
I'll tell Señor Frog to put extra bubbles in the bubble machine.
"Playground Politics."
Canada.
- Hi, Canada. - Hey, there.
What are you doing?
Pretty much what you're doing, just girlier.
Well, I'm throwing in the towel.
Miss Braxton here grew up in southern California...
...and says she's never seen the sun rise over the Pacific Ocean.
Who am I to disappoint?
Let's go look for that elusive sunrise in the west...
...and anything else that may rise with it.
For Funny or Die, I'm Ed Haligan.